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All great cities are saturated with subcultures. And as Vienna — while timeless and enjoyable — can be a little mundane for young lads such as ourselves, we have launched an investigation, seeking out hidden pockets of the weird, unusual and outrageous, and at times dangerous. The sex trade has been an accepted — and enjoyed, at least by the customers — part of Austrian society for quite some time, and the Erotik Messe is emblematic of this.

We have deduced that there is a direct correlation between the popularity of these enterprises and the fact that men are still equipped as they always were — a fact Austria has chosen messe embrace rather than suppress.

So onward to the Messe! We arrived a half an hour after opening, and walked in to the first show: in which a shirtless, beer-bellied, middle-aged man was sex roughed up by a stripper in pink boxing gloves and matching robe; he was losing…and loving it!

The "boxing match" quickly deteriorated into nothing more than the fat man carefully but gleefully pouring water and lotion all over the naked pseudo-pugilist. At the finish, far from being satisfied, the man reluctantly stood messe and, visibly annoyed at his trousers being sex with water and lube, apprehensively gathered up his clothes and exited sex left.

With a half-hour break between shows, we hit the floor to explore. The volume of sex toys was astounding, and went way beyond the conventionally stocked shop. As we walked around, we took note of the fact that the Messe had all the trimmings of a strip club with the communal chaos of a comic book convention. There were standard-issue sex freaks afoot — dominatrices, slaves, sadomasochists, trannies, and pierced-up paddle and whip enthusiasts — but what was more interesting was the number of "normal" looking people — cute messe couples, fresh-faced youths, conservative-looking businessmen…maybe even your grandma seeking the best lubricant money can buy!

The second act was perhaps the sex entertaining, for both intended and unintended reasons. Hungarian porn star Judy Nero began her show in a not-so-accurate but most enticing Marilyn Monroe getup, lip-syncing the classic JFK happy birthday tribute.

As with the last show, Judy picked one lucky guy from the audience to be the object of sex attentions on stage, this time, a swaggering Austrian something. It started off promisingly enough for sex excited lad, as he was forced to endure a lap dance and witness the unveiling of her mammaries at close range.

But then things started to go pear-shaped for our star spectator, who quickly transitioned from a slightly uncomfortable but zealous trooper into a shy child crying for his mother on the first day of school.

She anchored one end of the string between his teeth and sauntered away, as we looked on astonished. The beads seemed to go on forever… and she waltzed off into the audience, placing the pungent beads one by one into the startled mouths of selected onlookers. An elderly man to our right was one of the chosen receptacles, however his dentures failed him and the beads fell out, leaving him clawing desperately at the string.

Once again she pulled, this time the undies fell all the way to his ankles. When it was all over, the traumatized, ostracized and psychologically shattered shell of a man ambled off stage dragging his clothes.

A DVD of porno was shoved into his hands as a consolation prize. So who are these people? We had to find out. Later that evening, we tracked down Judy for a little two-on-one pun intended. This Hungarian [minx] is a year veteran of the porn industry, and she loves it — or at least says she does. She proudly told us about her Guinness record for longest erotic stage show — a four and a half hour lesbian free-for-all.

Our second encounter was Naomi Cole, age 22, who already has nine years of dancing experience under her belt… do the math. To be honest, we felt a sex intimidated considering these industrious dames had more experience handling the raw material than we had.

After the performances, we continued wandering — and kept discovering. Anything that could conceivably be employed for erotic purposes was sex hand. Want a piercing? How about on the genitals?

Or a tattoo? Or some hair removed? There was even a woman selling messe material… you sex, because some people like their pets messe watch. We strolled a disorderly pile of g-strings, thongs and panties reaching our chests, as if recently discarded following a massive orgy.

It seemed to capture the Zeitgeist perfectly. As it grew later, the crowd grew thinner, and only the hardcore remained. We entered messe large curtained off area and came upon a dozen gents — mostly fat and pimply — drinking beer and standing around three topless strumpets not of the highest caliber. The girls messe laboriously attempting to entice, as the motley crew of Y-chromosomes ambled around, not wanting to be first.

Eventually, two scumbags got up the courage to start groping. What transpired was an episode of sordid harlotry, in which sex small group of wannabe studs gawked at two sleazes fornicating crudely with two low-rent hookers on a pair of inflatable mattresses. And messe was that. The Messe ended for the night, and we departed. We had arrived with high spirits, drinking beer, laughing, and messe the newfangled-ness of the whole spectacle.

But as the night wore on and the novelty wore off, we were left with a subtle yet profound messe a climax is not a climax if experienced alone. This was just a building full of sad people trying to get sex rocks off, with paranormal fetishes that led nowhere. Of course this was the intention; what is an Erotik Messe but a celebration of sexual desires of all kinds.

Better to have outlets for this kind of stuff, than to repress it to explosion. So go forth, you sex denizens messe unconventional erotica! We should have told you sooner. Abonnieren Einloggen. Aftermath of tragedy: solidarity and hope for a new beginning. News Kamil Kluczynski. Whiskey tasting, Beatles music and fish and chips: party time for the middle-agers at this Anglophile extravaganza. Messe Vienna Review. The English Lovers premiere Between the Lines, an improvished English portrait of modern life in these acts.

On The Town Suzanne Capehart.

VENUS Berlin – Real Doll Messe Show

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